A Different CNY

There will be no prayers on the eve, or the 9th day, as we would always do in all these years.

For the first time in my life, we didn’t have to prepare and try to stay awake until 2 or 3 in the morning to start the prayer.

Every Chinese New Year (before and during), we would usually be very busy (or at least my mom is). She would cook a sumptuous reunion lunch, where my aunts (or few uncles) would come and feast. At night, we would go to my mom’s sister’s house for another round of reunion dinner. In the late evening, we would then start preparing for the midnight prayer which we call it “Receiving the God of Wealth” prayer. There is the best time to start the prayer so that it will bring us a good fortune and luck for the rest of the year (call us superstitious but no harm, right?). It’s usually any hour between 12 midnight to 3 in the morning.

The biggest and most important prayer for us is on the 9th day. The birthday of the Jade Emperor, and also the biggest for Hokkien people like me and my family. Even more important than the other prayers during the CNY period. That would be another busy day before, on the 8th day. At the stroke of 12, we would then start the prayer, burning of paper offerings to the Jade Emperor. The prayer could last for hours and finished by 2 or 3 latest.

As my grandma has just passed away a few months back, we are still in the mourning period. As a tradition, we are mourning for 3 years. Somehow, we were told that we are to skip CNY for 2 years (this and next).

Since we are spared from the prayers and all the busy works, Mom suggested to go for a short trip. We had a 2D1N at Ipoh, went to few tourist spots, met up with Julia (her husband, Boon Wee’s hometown in Ipoh), chilled in the rented apartment, while the monkeys went to the pool.


Anxiety? >.<

I had a follow-up appointment with Dr Shanthi today.

After the normal checks, I told her that I have this anxious feeling every now and then, and shortness of breath.

She said I may have panic disorder or panic attack, and suggested me to see a psychiatrist, prescribed me some Xanax, an anti-anxiety medication.

She must be joking, I thought to myself.

Everyday State of Mind


A friend told me a piece of news about the passing of a Korean singer/actress, apparent of suicide.

I am not much of a fans of K-Pop scenes, just occasionally following up on some funny shows.

“Oh, yea? Well, must be because of those hateful trollers, and the super unhealthy entertainment environment in Korea”, I responded casually.

After that, the news just slipped passed. Continue with my works then.

Then, out of sudden, she sent me a message on WhatsApp…

“Are you OK?”
“If you are not feeling good, don’t keep it to yourself, okay?”

I was like… oooooookay? *dumbfounded*

Everyday State of Mind

Happy Birthday to Me!

Here is another year of my life.

A year older, a year wiser?

Perhaps, a year weaker?

This year is not a very celebratory year. There won’t be any candle blowing, fancy dinner, or drink like there’s no tomorrow with the usual best buds.

I am still in mourning period of 100 days… or 3 years? Every in the family is as confused as much. (Flashback: Grandma just passed away in August)

Another flashback all the way back to 2016.


Was hospitalised in early Aug 2016, and then was told not to have any celebration for my birthday.

Oh well, it’s like back in 2016~

And… it’s blessed to see another year, and hope to see another another year!

Everyday State of Mind

What?! A Neurologist?

In the course of our life, we are bound to get sick by catching bits of bugs here and there. Visiting the family doctor is a normal routine for most of us.

My common bug is the annoying headache (or occasionally migraine). In fact, I don’t know what I am getting actually. This family doctor nearby my place has been accustomed to my visits. He knows what is wrong with me even before I step into his consultation room.

For most of us, the most ‘advanced’ doctor that we’ve gone to is at most… the common specialist (e.g. ENT specialist, eye specialist?).

Never in my life, I am expecting to be seeing a neurologist on a regular basis! Talk about ‘advanced’! But hopefully, I won’t be seeing any neurosurgeon any time soon.

Lost? A little bit of history here.



I think this is the first time I took a good look at Ah Ma since her health got worse.

Her face got so thin that her cheek bones are so visible. Due to her deteriorating liver, she looks yellowish.

Seeing her in such suffering state, I couldn’t help but feeling sad. I tried my best to held my tears back as I didn’t want both her and Ah Gong see me.

Everyday State of Mind

Keep me going..

Something keep me going despite of all the uncertainties.. not knowing what will happen tomorrow.

I look forward for it everyday.

It has so far keep me from crashing down.

I wish it will not stop.

Everyday State of Mind

Listening is an Act of Love

Listening openly, patiently, and attentively is one of the most significant expressions of love.

There isn’t a lot of people that is willing to listen to our problems.

There are days when we would feel a big boulder crashing our chest.

At times like this, what we are seeking if not advise but someone is willing to listen. I always call them ‘tree hole’. It’s like a hole made by woodpecker. I would throw everything into this tree hole, and it will fall down through the hollow tree trunk. That is a huge weight off my chest, and probably what I needed more than a sound advice.

But at the same times, being a worrisome me, I would always worried that I may burden this ‘tree hole’ by unloading my problems onto them, although they may say, “Don’t worry, just go on. You are not burdening me.” I have always said that people are not obligated to listen to us, but they did.

There is not enough of thank yous that I can say. Grateful.


Partner deserve nice stuff!

Very true. Haha!


‘New Disease’

Another MRI result.

The original white patch is at C4-C6 of my spine. it is a little enhanced, and extended further down to T1, as well as the nerve root.

This means the disease is still very active. It also means this is a new disease which the doc doesn’t know what it is yet or what caused it since all my blood tests came back negative.

The chest pain? It may be due to to either the steroid, the immunosuppressant, or because of this ‘new disease’.

I don’t like the word ‘disease’.

And… I am getting another new medication again. This time, it’s called neurontin, a nerve medication. Don’t know what is its function. Just eat then.