State of Mind


I stumbled on a simple drawing while browsing TheMighty. It’s a story-based digital health community people facing health challenges and disabilities.

Here’s the drawing, and a question:

So, if you could order one thing that would arrive in an hour, what would you wish it could be?

Me? A restart button, perhaps?

Link to the original post here.


A Different CNY

There will be no prayers on the eve, or the 9th day, as we would always do in all these years.

For the first time in my life, we didn’t have to prepare and try to stay awake until 2 or 3 in the morning to start the prayer.

Every Chinese New Year (before and during), we would usually be very busy (or at least my mom is). She would cook a sumptuous reunion lunch, where my aunts (or few uncles) would come and feast. At night, we would go to my mom’s sister’s house for another round of reunion dinner. In the late evening, we would then start preparing for the midnight prayer which we call it “Receiving the God of Wealth” prayer. There is the best time to start the prayer so that it will bring us a good fortune and luck for the rest of the year (call us superstitious but no harm, right?). It’s usually any hour between 12 midnight to 3 in the morning.

The biggest and most important prayer for us is on the 9th day. The birthday of the Jade Emperor, and also the biggest for Hokkien people like me and my family. Even more important than the other prayers during the CNY period. That would be another busy day before, on the 8th day. At the stroke of 12, we would then start the prayer, burning of paper offerings to the Jade Emperor. The prayer could last for hours and finished by 2 or 3 latest.

As my grandma has just passed away a few months back, we are still in the mourning period. As a tradition, we are mourning for 3 years. Somehow, we were told that we are to skip CNY for 2 years (this and next).

Since we are spared from the prayers and all the busy works, Mom suggested to go for a short trip. We had a 2D1N at Ipoh, went to few tourist spots, met up with Julia (her husband, Boon Wee’s hometown in Ipoh), chilled in the rented apartment, while the monkeys went to the pool.


Anxiety? >.<

I had a follow-up appointment with Dr Shanthi today.

After the normal checks, I told her that I have this anxious feeling every now and then, and shortness of breath.

She said I may have panic disorder or panic attack, and suggested me to see a psychiatrist, prescribed me some Xanax, an anti-anxiety medication.

She must be joking, I thought to myself.

Everyday State of Mind


A friend told me a piece of news about the passing of a Korean singer/actress, apparent of suicide.

I am not much of a fans of K-Pop scenes, just occasionally following up on some funny shows.

“Oh, yea? Well, must be because of those hateful trollers, and the super unhealthy entertainment environment in Korea”, I responded casually.

After that, the news just slipped passed. Continue with my works then.

Then, out of sudden, she sent me a message on WhatsApp…

“Are you OK?”
“If you are not feeling good, don’t keep it to yourself, okay?”

I was like… oooooookay? *dumbfounded*

Everyday State of Mind

Happy Birthday to Me!

Here is another year of my life.

A year older, a year wiser?

Perhaps, a year weaker?

This year is not a very celebratory year. There won’t be any candle blowing, fancy dinner, or drink like there’s no tomorrow with the usual best buds.

I am still in mourning period of 100 days… or 3 years? Every in the family is as confused as much. (Flashback: Grandma just passed away in August)

Another flashback all the way back to 2016.


Was hospitalised in early Aug 2016, and then was told not to have any celebration for my birthday.

Oh well, it’s like back in 2016~

And… it’s blessed to see another year, and hope to see another another year!

State of Mind

Good News? Bad News?

Had my regular follow up session with Dr Shanthi.

She went through my blood tests, and MRI scans, which I did a few weeks ago.

“All good!”, she said.

“The medication is taking effect, and it seems to be keeping the disease under control”, she continues.

Then, she continued to do the usual clinical tests (e.g. strength tests, toothpick test, etc).

“Good!”, again she said.

I told her about Dr Benjamin’s suggestion, to increase the steroid to 10 mg twice a day, which means double the dosage. I am currently on 10 mg a day.

She looked reluctant and said that she has never heard that CellCept (the immunosuppressant) cause joint pain. She said, “Don’t kacau the steroid, but let’s try to reduce the CellCept from 750mg to 500mg.”

Other than the joint pain, I’d guess the rest are all good like Dr Shanthi said.

But I don’t feel as great as her.

Not sure why. I should be happy and relieved.

But I am not.

State of Mind


Wonder how long will this last..

Everyday State of Mind

What?! A Neurologist?

In the course of our life, we are bound to get sick by catching bits of bugs here and there. Visiting the family doctor is a normal routine for most of us.

My common bug is the annoying headache (or occasionally migraine). In fact, I don’t know what I am getting actually. This family doctor nearby my place has been accustomed to my visits. He knows what is wrong with me even before I step into his consultation room.

For most of us, the most ‘advanced’ doctor that we’ve gone to is at most… the common specialist (e.g. ENT specialist, eye specialist?).

Never in my life, I am expecting to be seeing a neurologist on a regular basis! Talk about ‘advanced’! But hopefully, I won’t be seeing any neurosurgeon any time soon.

Lost? A little bit of history here.


Final Journey

These few days are busy days for us, with the works that we need to do, things to prepare, and the repeated prayers.

We have finally send AhMa to her final resting place today.

There was a lengthy prayer and ceremony in the morning. There was also this emcee that gave us a speech and talked about AhMa that made us all cried a river. She’s good.

It’s weird seeing her under the ground.

The last time we can take a good look at her.


Goodbye, AhMa

Ah Ma has finally leave to a better place, that has no suffering and pain.

Was woken up abruptly by Belle. She said, “Wake up! TaiMa has stopped breathing!”

I quickly jumped up from my bed and ran down to her room.

Her body is cold, and stiff.

I think she looked peaceful, at least.

It’s sad, but I think it’s also a relief, that she is no longer in pain from the cancer.

I will have another thing to remember for this day. 3 years ago today, I was hospitalised for GBS.

Farewell, AhMa