:(

I think this is the first time I took a good look at Ah Ma since her health got worse.

Her face got so thin that her cheek bones are so visible. Due to her deteriorating liver, she looks yellowish.

Seeing her in such suffering state, I couldn’t help but feeling sad. I tried my best to held my tears back as I didn’t want both her and Ah Gong see me.

A Big Sigh

There was a team meeting today.

Lowell was asking for update on Standard Change Recertification. She called out, “Pik Hung?

Without realising it, I gave a long and big ‘sigh’. Everyone else got amused and started laughing.

Leen asked, “Why, Pik Hung?” and so did Lowell.

And, I started to give my updates. I’m not sure if I have given a good update.

This project was supposed to be handled by Leen. He will be moving to a new team next week. I’m the new scapegoat to take over this from him. The handover process started a few weeks ago. I have not been involved in this before. So, I have trouble catching up when it all started. It seems like he is rushing it off.

At the end of the meeting, we had a short farewell session for Leen. He gave his thoughts. Then, Lowell asked each of us to say something about the handover process.

It will not look good to say what I really want to say. So, I just said thank you for his support in the handover. But it is nice of him to offer for me to reach out to him whenever I need too, even if he is with a different team. Well, I’m not sure if his offer is sincere. I’d think it’s all out of courtesy.

Before I ended, I said, “I hope I am not going to screw this up.

I’d guess it’s because of my current health condition, everyone has been very accommodating. Everyone goes, “Why, Pik Hung? Don’t worry. We are all here to help.

Sigh!

Reentry

To stop seeing our health as binary, between sick and healthy, well and unwell, whole and broken; to stop thinking that there’s some beautiful, perfect state of wellness to strive for; and to quit living in a state of constant dissatisfaction until we reach it.

Be Brave! I Need You!

Sometimes we want to be told “I need you” more than we do “I love you,” because we want to feel that our lives have a purpose. So, be brave and say honestly, “I need you.”

Very often, us Asians are associating words of affection with man-woman relationships, and often neglected other types of relationships. We always find it awkward to utter these words of affection with the people we care about. We loves our family, we loves our friends, and maybe not our colleagues. 😜

So… whoever it may be..

I love you.
I thank you.
And I need you.

Our Existence Is Already Enough

Something from my current read…

As old friends, we were unguarded and revealed our inner feelings freely. Old friends have no need to display artificial selves; you can accept them as they are and share your true self with them. He was such a friend for me. He told me everything that had happened over the past decade, talking until he reached his recent worries.

I remembered that he had always been anxious, even with nothing in particular to be anxious about. He told me that his anxiety had gotten worse recently, and to stave it off, he had been working hard.

Even if we never achieve anything big or significant, our existence alone is already enough.

It’s Okay To Be Selfish

Be good to yourself first, then to others.

What we are feeling is not something that should just be ignored, but something very significant. The feelings inside us will not be easily disappear just because we decided to suppress or ignore them. Many psychological problems come about when repression becomes a habit and the energy of those suppressed emotions is unable to find a healthy outlet. Just as stagnant water becomes fetid and toxic, so it is with our emotions.

Listening is an Act of Love

Listening openly, patiently, and attentively is one of the most significant expressions of love.

There isn’t a lot of people that is willing to listen to our problems.

There are days when we would feel a big boulder crashing our chest.

At times like this, what we are seeking if not advise but someone is willing to listen. I always call them ‘tree hole’. It’s like a hole made by woodpecker. I would throw everything into this tree hole, and it will fall down through the hollow tree trunk. That is a huge weight off my chest, and probably what I needed more than a sound advice.

But at the same times, being a worrisome me, I would always worried that I may burden this ‘tree hole’ by unloading my problems onto them, although they may say, “Don’t worry, just go on. You are not burdening me.” I have always said that people are not obligated to listen to us, but they did.

There is not enough of thank yous that I can say. Grateful.